Fun Facts #1: I was sitting in a hospital waiting room, incredibly bored, and starring intently at the pink flowery boarder wrapped around the wall. As I concentrated more closely, I saw the red outline of the rose petals and of course my twisted mind morphed that into ribbons and flesh falling in coils to the floor, better known as the birth of Vince. That's right the idea for Vince was conceived in the waiting room of a gaudy doctors office. At the time he was just going to be the messenger, nothing more, but of course I got attached. Now I've promised him an appearance in book two. #2: Jaime is loosely based on a friend I had in high school, (You hear that Jenny? I said loosely.) who was cool enough to advise me on the political conversation Cael and Jaime had during lunch. I didn't know if Governors had anything to do with deficits. Oh and I, like Sidney, couldn't care less :) #3: Here we have my sad attempt at illustrating Cael's hair. It's tough to find celebrities, or anyone for that matter, that match the description. Below we have John Meyer, Patrick Dempsey and John Meyer again. Please try your hardest to block out their faces and bodies, because they don't fit Cael at all. The only focus here is the hair. Cael's is the same length and style as John Meyer, with the streaks like Patrick. I hope this helped, remember not the faces! If you bough Ashes before March 2009, you haven't read the extras that were added. Here they are: And this bit is an entire chapter I added. Chapter 3: Primping and Pressuring. Everything following it remains the same, but I thought this was important to explain why Sidney is the way she is. |
Copyright Stefanie Ellis.
All rights reserved.
All rights reserved.
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This is the new beginning of chapter two, it's just a brief description of Sid:
My mother never approved of my clothing choices, always claiming that I should dress more lady-like. Had she seen her
other daughter recently? The one that went out in a glorified bikini most of the time? As I quickly snatched my favorite
wrinkled pair of jeans that laid in a small pile of denim on my chair, I thought about the rigorous routine my mother would
have gone through before she would have even thought about putting them on herself. It would definitely involve a lot of
ironing.
For the girl in a hurry, there was no better remedy than an oversized sweatshirt. The one in questions was charcoal gray with
the letters: “USMC” on the front. Not that I dedicated a huge portion of my life to the Marines, it was merely a souvenir Dr. Joe
brought back from a business trip he had taken to some base, where he advised the men. And, it was comfortable.
As a child, I would often ask my parents the question: “Which one of you do I look more like?” They would reply with some
bullshit parent answer, somewhere along the lines of: “You look like you.” This thought ran through my head nearly every
time I came across my reflection.
I leaned in to carefully apply a thin layer of eyeliner around my green eyes—dark green, so drastically different than my
mother’s light hazel, or Dr. Joe’s mud puddle brown. I stared at myself for another moment, loathing the general shape of my
face—a heart, I mean come on. It wasn’t fitting at all. I never thought of myself as dainty in any way, but my elfin-like features
gave people the wrong idea about me. I wasn’t graceful or whimsical, I was just me, nothing more. So many times in my life,
I’d wished I could have looked more like my mother, at least she blended better.
My mother never approved of my clothing choices, always claiming that I should dress more lady-like. Had she seen her
other daughter recently? The one that went out in a glorified bikini most of the time? As I quickly snatched my favorite
wrinkled pair of jeans that laid in a small pile of denim on my chair, I thought about the rigorous routine my mother would
have gone through before she would have even thought about putting them on herself. It would definitely involve a lot of
ironing.
For the girl in a hurry, there was no better remedy than an oversized sweatshirt. The one in questions was charcoal gray with
the letters: “USMC” on the front. Not that I dedicated a huge portion of my life to the Marines, it was merely a souvenir Dr. Joe
brought back from a business trip he had taken to some base, where he advised the men. And, it was comfortable.
As a child, I would often ask my parents the question: “Which one of you do I look more like?” They would reply with some
bullshit parent answer, somewhere along the lines of: “You look like you.” This thought ran through my head nearly every
time I came across my reflection.
I leaned in to carefully apply a thin layer of eyeliner around my green eyes—dark green, so drastically different than my
mother’s light hazel, or Dr. Joe’s mud puddle brown. I stared at myself for another moment, loathing the general shape of my
face—a heart, I mean come on. It wasn’t fitting at all. I never thought of myself as dainty in any way, but my elfin-like features
gave people the wrong idea about me. I wasn’t graceful or whimsical, I was just me, nothing more. So many times in my life,
I’d wished I could have looked more like my mother, at least she blended better.
"Come on Sid!” Moon pleaded.
“You have got to be kidding me!” I found it very strange that Moon was trying to coerce me into attending some random house
party.
“Well, I’m going and if you were any kind of friend at all you’d come too. It’ll be fun!” She wasn’t’ herself, but I knew it had
everything to do with Cael—even thinking his name caused vomit to form in the back of my throat. Ever since Moon had been
inducted into his cult, she’d become a different person.
“Since when do we associate ourselves with a social casting situation?” I asked, in an attempt to remind her what we stand
for…and against.
“Sidney,” she shook her head as if to say, how could you think such a thing? “It’s just a party.” She said defending the very
thing we used to mock. “I know you don’t have any plans. I’ll pick you up at six.”
Before I had a chance to argue, she brushed past me and started walking off.
“I’m not going!” I shouted in her direction.
Moon looked back at me over her shoulder, “It’ll be fun!”
I couldn’t believe the audacity of my best friend—a term I would use loosely from now on.
Though I’d planted myself firmly on my bed with a television remote in my hand and absolutely no intention of leaving, six o’
clock rolled around and a knock echoed from my door.
I didn’t say a word.
The knob turned slowly and Moon stepped in, interrupting the smutty celebrity gossip show I was half-watching.
“Are you really planning on wearing that?” She questioned while scrutinizing my apparel.
“Since when does it matter?” There was no doubt now. I hated who she’d become.
“Oh, it doesn’t. Just wear what you have on, but we have to go.” She swung the door open and used both hands to illustrate
her point.
That’s when I saw just how intense the change was. She was wearing a dress—such a thing was not unheard of, but this
time it was different. There weren’t any layers in sight—as I was very accustomed to seeing on Moon—just a single low-cut,
flowing deep blue dress. It looked like she’d spent several hours preparing, her glossy black hair was piled on top of her
head and her make-up was perfect and delicate. This party was obviously more important to her than I ever could have
guessed.
My curiosity got the best of me and I decided I had to know, to witness what could have been worth all the primping and
pressuring.
Trevor Bradley was the captain of the football team, he changed girlfriends as frequently as a normal person changes
socks. A brute of a guy, brimming over with charm, the kind that girls don’t mind sharing—as long as they get a piece of him.
Trevor was the quintessential leader of the popular crowd. It wasn’t a huge surprise when we pulled up in front of his house.
“Trevor’s house? Why would you bring me here?” I asked, hurt that she wouldn’t consider my feelings.
“Oh…yeah. I was hoping you wouldn’t recognize it.”
“How could I ever forget this place?” I pushed back the memories as they began to bubble to the surface.
“Sid, you dated him for like…a week. Don’t let him stand in between you and a good time. Yes, he’s a scum bucket. Now,
can we move on?”
How could she care so little? She was there Freshmen year, she was the one I confided in. I told her how much I loved him,
I provided her with daily updates on the outfit he’d chosen that particular day and I made sure to go into great detail about
how well it complimented his specific features. Trevor was glorious, and I secretly worshiped him like a god.
One day, out of nowhere he asked me to be his girlfriend—I didn’t even know he knew my name. It was a dream come true
and the happiest week of my life.
Until that fateful day when all my hopes and dreams came to a crashing halt. Trevor told me he was going to throw a party,
and he was excited to finally show me off to his friends and announce that we were together.
I walked into his house and made my way to his side.
He looked down at me with disgust and said, “Who invited you?”
I couldn’t speak, the hurt and confusion overtook me.
Trevor’s best friend, Sean, looked directly at me and asked, “Isn’t she the girl that’s completely obsessed with you?” Then
he answered his own question. “Yeah, she is! The other day I heard her telling someone she was with you. God, Trev, you
sure attract the nut jobs.”
“Poor little thing,” Trevor laughed, “She just lives in her own little world.”
They all got a huge laugh at my expense, and not knowing how to handle the humiliation, I sobbed and ran home.
I was so trusting that I’d allowed myself to be used, but the experience changed me forever. It turned me into the skeptical,
motive-questioning, never take anything at face value, person I am today.
“There’s no way I’m going in there!” I told Moon.
“Sid, it’s the past. I swear to god, if I have to drag you in there, I will.”
“I’m going home.” I knew from past knowledge that my house wasn’t very far on foot.
“I can’t believe you’re still holding on to something that happened so long ago. You’ll never be able to move on until you
face your demons.”
Did weird new Moon have a point? Could she be right? Did I need to be a big enough person to move past this in order to
move on with my life? Or was I just as crazy as she was for considering the possibility?
With my insides tangled up in knots, my hands quivering and my face down, I entered the house that haunted me. I tried not
to look up, what would be the point? I knew this place all too well, it’s where Trevor and I would have our secret dates, the
only place he’d be seen with me. Focusing all my concentration on the hardwood floor I took one step after the other
wondering repeatedly why I was putting myself through this. I’d worked very diligently to avoid football games, spirit rallies,
parties, any activity that may involve coming into contact with Trevor Bradley. Yet here I was, back at the scene of the crime.
Maybe it was the masochist that lives deep inside me.
“Look!” Moon squealed in my ear. “There he is!”
Without thinking, I looked up, allowing my hair to fall out of my face, and leaving me without a shield. I was shocked by what
I saw, it wasn’t the typical setting. The room was filled with girls, all of which were fawning over the new kid. I couldn’t find
another male in sight.
Moon grabbed me by the wrist and trotted over to him, dragging me along behind her. It was almost like he was a high
powered magnet, drawing her in. I rolled my eyes until it felt like they were going to fall out of my head. Cael stood there, in
the middle of a huddle, every girl was trying to get their allotted time with him—Moon included. I pried her hand off my wrist
and took a few steps back.
The sight before me gave me chills, if they only knew how far back they were sending women’s liberation. It was
disgraceful! Then I zeroed in on the second in command, Kylie. She was telling everyone to back off and give him some
room, occasionally she’d pause from her direction-giving to whisper in his ear. My friends had become brainwashed,
members of the Cael Cult. I wanted to ask him when he planned on handing out the Kool-aide, and putting an end to the
nonsense.
I knew I had to get away from the scene, it was actually painful to watch, making me wish for a poisonous beverage. I made
my way to the kitchen, there I found what was missing from the party: The guys. Spotting Trevor, I inched back out of sight
and listened.
“I mean,” Sean said, “he’s cool, but damn! He stole all of them.”
“My girlfriend’s out there!” said the looming voice of the man I once loved. “What are we supposed to do?”
“I just wanna know how to be more like him.” Another voice added.
“He should join the team.” Someone else suggested.
“Yeah, that’s a great idea!”
The boys seemed just as smitten with Cael as everyone else. It felt like I was the only person there who wasn’t ape-shit
crazy. I must have been transported to another dimension while I wasn’t paying attention, the only thing missing was Alfred
Hitchcock.
I didn’t want to be spotted, so I found the sliding glass door and stepped out onto the wooden deck. Trevor’s house was
huge, and as far as parental supervision, he didn’t have much. His dad was one of those world-traveling businessmen, the
kind that’s rarely home, and on the unusual occasion that he is, he eats, sleeps and lives locked away in his office. As far as
I knew Trevor’s mom was void from his life, either that or she kept an extremely low profile. To sum up: Trevor Bradley lived in
a huge two-story house, with no authority figure to answer to. He had the life of my dreams. A life, that for a short time, I
hoped I’d share with him.
I leaned my elbows on the glazed wooden railing and looked out into the massive backyard. Everything was perfectly
cultivated, the grass was like a dark green blanket that lay perfectly even as it spread across the yard, lined with uniformed
rose bushes, each an even distance from the last. I admired the man-made beauty of the perfectly shaped bushes and
wondered what it would look like if their high-price gardener missed a few weeks.
The door behind me closed so quietly I probably shouldn’t have heard it and the shadowy figure came toward me, until the
light caught his face, leaving no trace of darkness. He positioned himself next to me and supported his arms on the rail.
Cael looked out at the backyard and sighed. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. My mind tried to make a copy of his facial
features so it would never forget the meaning of true perfection. I could see it now, why they were all so infatuated, from his
trance-inducing blue eyes, to his firm jaw line and the smooth, beautiful lips that turned up into a smile as he turned his
head to face me.
“It’s insane in there.” He said, but I barely heard the words. I was too deep in concentration. My eyes wanted to explore, to
take in all of him. The way his dark curly hair graced the sides of his neck, his muscular arms restricted in the soft cotton
long-sleeve shirt. Set them free! I thought, wanting nothing more out of life than to see Cael Ash without a shirt on, I could die
happy after that.
He cleared his throat.
I tore my eyes away from him and fixed them on the birdbath that sat in the middle of the yard. Shit! Had I really just acted
like everyone else? Feeling ashamed of myself, I plopped down in a patio chair and mentally punished myself for my
behavior. How could I have let myself stoop so low?
“Are you okay?” He asked.
Without looking up, I let out an angry sigh and continued the firm lecture I was giving myself. Once I was satisfied that I’d
learned my lesson, I looked up, ready to test the theory, but he was nowhere to be found. Not that I cared, I just wanted to
confirm that I could handle whatever it was he was dishing out.
“You have got to be kidding me!” I found it very strange that Moon was trying to coerce me into attending some random house
party.
“Well, I’m going and if you were any kind of friend at all you’d come too. It’ll be fun!” She wasn’t’ herself, but I knew it had
everything to do with Cael—even thinking his name caused vomit to form in the back of my throat. Ever since Moon had been
inducted into his cult, she’d become a different person.
“Since when do we associate ourselves with a social casting situation?” I asked, in an attempt to remind her what we stand
for…and against.
“Sidney,” she shook her head as if to say, how could you think such a thing? “It’s just a party.” She said defending the very
thing we used to mock. “I know you don’t have any plans. I’ll pick you up at six.”
Before I had a chance to argue, she brushed past me and started walking off.
“I’m not going!” I shouted in her direction.
Moon looked back at me over her shoulder, “It’ll be fun!”
I couldn’t believe the audacity of my best friend—a term I would use loosely from now on.
Though I’d planted myself firmly on my bed with a television remote in my hand and absolutely no intention of leaving, six o’
clock rolled around and a knock echoed from my door.
I didn’t say a word.
The knob turned slowly and Moon stepped in, interrupting the smutty celebrity gossip show I was half-watching.
“Are you really planning on wearing that?” She questioned while scrutinizing my apparel.
“Since when does it matter?” There was no doubt now. I hated who she’d become.
“Oh, it doesn’t. Just wear what you have on, but we have to go.” She swung the door open and used both hands to illustrate
her point.
That’s when I saw just how intense the change was. She was wearing a dress—such a thing was not unheard of, but this
time it was different. There weren’t any layers in sight—as I was very accustomed to seeing on Moon—just a single low-cut,
flowing deep blue dress. It looked like she’d spent several hours preparing, her glossy black hair was piled on top of her
head and her make-up was perfect and delicate. This party was obviously more important to her than I ever could have
guessed.
My curiosity got the best of me and I decided I had to know, to witness what could have been worth all the primping and
pressuring.
Trevor Bradley was the captain of the football team, he changed girlfriends as frequently as a normal person changes
socks. A brute of a guy, brimming over with charm, the kind that girls don’t mind sharing—as long as they get a piece of him.
Trevor was the quintessential leader of the popular crowd. It wasn’t a huge surprise when we pulled up in front of his house.
“Trevor’s house? Why would you bring me here?” I asked, hurt that she wouldn’t consider my feelings.
“Oh…yeah. I was hoping you wouldn’t recognize it.”
“How could I ever forget this place?” I pushed back the memories as they began to bubble to the surface.
“Sid, you dated him for like…a week. Don’t let him stand in between you and a good time. Yes, he’s a scum bucket. Now,
can we move on?”
How could she care so little? She was there Freshmen year, she was the one I confided in. I told her how much I loved him,
I provided her with daily updates on the outfit he’d chosen that particular day and I made sure to go into great detail about
how well it complimented his specific features. Trevor was glorious, and I secretly worshiped him like a god.
One day, out of nowhere he asked me to be his girlfriend—I didn’t even know he knew my name. It was a dream come true
and the happiest week of my life.
Until that fateful day when all my hopes and dreams came to a crashing halt. Trevor told me he was going to throw a party,
and he was excited to finally show me off to his friends and announce that we were together.
I walked into his house and made my way to his side.
He looked down at me with disgust and said, “Who invited you?”
I couldn’t speak, the hurt and confusion overtook me.
Trevor’s best friend, Sean, looked directly at me and asked, “Isn’t she the girl that’s completely obsessed with you?” Then
he answered his own question. “Yeah, she is! The other day I heard her telling someone she was with you. God, Trev, you
sure attract the nut jobs.”
“Poor little thing,” Trevor laughed, “She just lives in her own little world.”
They all got a huge laugh at my expense, and not knowing how to handle the humiliation, I sobbed and ran home.
I was so trusting that I’d allowed myself to be used, but the experience changed me forever. It turned me into the skeptical,
motive-questioning, never take anything at face value, person I am today.
“There’s no way I’m going in there!” I told Moon.
“Sid, it’s the past. I swear to god, if I have to drag you in there, I will.”
“I’m going home.” I knew from past knowledge that my house wasn’t very far on foot.
“I can’t believe you’re still holding on to something that happened so long ago. You’ll never be able to move on until you
face your demons.”
Did weird new Moon have a point? Could she be right? Did I need to be a big enough person to move past this in order to
move on with my life? Or was I just as crazy as she was for considering the possibility?
With my insides tangled up in knots, my hands quivering and my face down, I entered the house that haunted me. I tried not
to look up, what would be the point? I knew this place all too well, it’s where Trevor and I would have our secret dates, the
only place he’d be seen with me. Focusing all my concentration on the hardwood floor I took one step after the other
wondering repeatedly why I was putting myself through this. I’d worked very diligently to avoid football games, spirit rallies,
parties, any activity that may involve coming into contact with Trevor Bradley. Yet here I was, back at the scene of the crime.
Maybe it was the masochist that lives deep inside me.
“Look!” Moon squealed in my ear. “There he is!”
Without thinking, I looked up, allowing my hair to fall out of my face, and leaving me without a shield. I was shocked by what
I saw, it wasn’t the typical setting. The room was filled with girls, all of which were fawning over the new kid. I couldn’t find
another male in sight.
Moon grabbed me by the wrist and trotted over to him, dragging me along behind her. It was almost like he was a high
powered magnet, drawing her in. I rolled my eyes until it felt like they were going to fall out of my head. Cael stood there, in
the middle of a huddle, every girl was trying to get their allotted time with him—Moon included. I pried her hand off my wrist
and took a few steps back.
The sight before me gave me chills, if they only knew how far back they were sending women’s liberation. It was
disgraceful! Then I zeroed in on the second in command, Kylie. She was telling everyone to back off and give him some
room, occasionally she’d pause from her direction-giving to whisper in his ear. My friends had become brainwashed,
members of the Cael Cult. I wanted to ask him when he planned on handing out the Kool-aide, and putting an end to the
nonsense.
I knew I had to get away from the scene, it was actually painful to watch, making me wish for a poisonous beverage. I made
my way to the kitchen, there I found what was missing from the party: The guys. Spotting Trevor, I inched back out of sight
and listened.
“I mean,” Sean said, “he’s cool, but damn! He stole all of them.”
“My girlfriend’s out there!” said the looming voice of the man I once loved. “What are we supposed to do?”
“I just wanna know how to be more like him.” Another voice added.
“He should join the team.” Someone else suggested.
“Yeah, that’s a great idea!”
The boys seemed just as smitten with Cael as everyone else. It felt like I was the only person there who wasn’t ape-shit
crazy. I must have been transported to another dimension while I wasn’t paying attention, the only thing missing was Alfred
Hitchcock.
I didn’t want to be spotted, so I found the sliding glass door and stepped out onto the wooden deck. Trevor’s house was
huge, and as far as parental supervision, he didn’t have much. His dad was one of those world-traveling businessmen, the
kind that’s rarely home, and on the unusual occasion that he is, he eats, sleeps and lives locked away in his office. As far as
I knew Trevor’s mom was void from his life, either that or she kept an extremely low profile. To sum up: Trevor Bradley lived in
a huge two-story house, with no authority figure to answer to. He had the life of my dreams. A life, that for a short time, I
hoped I’d share with him.
I leaned my elbows on the glazed wooden railing and looked out into the massive backyard. Everything was perfectly
cultivated, the grass was like a dark green blanket that lay perfectly even as it spread across the yard, lined with uniformed
rose bushes, each an even distance from the last. I admired the man-made beauty of the perfectly shaped bushes and
wondered what it would look like if their high-price gardener missed a few weeks.
The door behind me closed so quietly I probably shouldn’t have heard it and the shadowy figure came toward me, until the
light caught his face, leaving no trace of darkness. He positioned himself next to me and supported his arms on the rail.
Cael looked out at the backyard and sighed. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. My mind tried to make a copy of his facial
features so it would never forget the meaning of true perfection. I could see it now, why they were all so infatuated, from his
trance-inducing blue eyes, to his firm jaw line and the smooth, beautiful lips that turned up into a smile as he turned his
head to face me.
“It’s insane in there.” He said, but I barely heard the words. I was too deep in concentration. My eyes wanted to explore, to
take in all of him. The way his dark curly hair graced the sides of his neck, his muscular arms restricted in the soft cotton
long-sleeve shirt. Set them free! I thought, wanting nothing more out of life than to see Cael Ash without a shirt on, I could die
happy after that.
He cleared his throat.
I tore my eyes away from him and fixed them on the birdbath that sat in the middle of the yard. Shit! Had I really just acted
like everyone else? Feeling ashamed of myself, I plopped down in a patio chair and mentally punished myself for my
behavior. How could I have let myself stoop so low?
“Are you okay?” He asked.
Without looking up, I let out an angry sigh and continued the firm lecture I was giving myself. Once I was satisfied that I’d
learned my lesson, I looked up, ready to test the theory, but he was nowhere to be found. Not that I cared, I just wanted to
confirm that I could handle whatever it was he was dishing out.